Holiday cheer from the Kramers
By JEFF KRAMER
December 15, 2006; The Post-Standard
Seasons Greetings, everyone! Are you ready for another relentlessly upbeat Kramer Family holiday letter? Too bad. You're getting one anyway. As Kramers, we treasure taking part in this annual charade of reminding everyone how amazing and perfect we are.
And what a remarkable year it was in KramerLand!
Let's start with the kids.
After a stunning debut in kindergarten, Miranda advanced to first grade eager to tackle a new set of goals. Instead she got head lice. We weathered the crisis with typical Kramer elan, although living with a 6-year-old biohazard was a learning experience for all!
Between the applications of noxious, useless delousing shampoos, the constant combing for nits and the endless loads of laundry, we Kramers were a little on edge. Well, not Jeff so much. After the first few days, he was basically AWOL.
The hardest part, though, was the stigma. Unfortunately, many people still associate head lice with poor housekeeping or inattentive parenting when the real problem is that kids are gross.
As Miranda's parents, we worked hard to assure her that even though she was scabrous and contagious and even though parasites were skittering across her scalp and laying eggs in her hair, Mommy and Daddy still kind of loved her. We can't wait until she comes home from quarantine in New Hampshire next March.
Miranda's little sister, Lily, now almost 4, is not so little anymore. Though still temperamental at times, she continues to make vast strides toward becoming human.
She changes her wardrobe six or seven times per day, sometimes going from cheerleader to ballerina princess to bride in less than an hour - happily oblivious to the trail of clothing she leaves throughout the house. It's so cute, especially when we're picking up after her and Miranda starts screaming, "Lily just spit on me!"
Kids!
Leigh had a wonderful year as well. She turned 40, traveled to Paris with friends to celebrate, and is in excellent health despite almost never exercising and eating lemon curd out of a bucket. She volunteers at a local women's shelter.
Jeff, meanwhile, quit his job as a college journalism instructor after one semester because he remembered he never liked college the first time around. He is aging before our eyes. He complains incessantly about pain in his left knee and right shoulder, and learned he'll eventually need surgery on the latter to remove bone fragments. Leigh has learned to tune out his whining, noting that Jeff still manages to play full-court basketball with his friends each Tuesday, though rarely well. His acid reflux comes and goes.
Nate, our purebred Lithuanian Barfhound, also had a few medical issues. He endured a root canal, ticks and corneal ulcers that caused him to squint like a canine Clint Eastwood.
Jeff purchased Nate a pair of fashionable dog goggles - called "Doggles" - to protect his eyes. They were not well received. Under skilled veterinary care, Nate got better and can now see fine.
We wonder what he sees for the Kramers in '07.
More perfection, no doubt.
Jeff Kramer's humor column runs Mondays and Fridays in CNY. Reach him at features@syracuse.com.
